Wednesday, August 26, 2009

It is so hard to say goodbye

My sweet little girl is 4 months now and I have loved every moment with her. She is sheer delight. I am totally enamored with her. Never in a million years did I think I could love another baby like I love Mabry. She is simply sugary sweet, all smiles and giggles. Oh, how I love her giggle.

But today, I am saying a sad goodbye to one of my favorite parts of being a mommy of a newborn. Tears are coming as I type...I am saying goodbye to nursing and wondering if I will ever have the chance to do it again with future children. Adam and I are pretty well set on just two babies. Oh, how my heart wants more, but my brain says no.

At Mabry's 4 mo check up she had slipped from the 90th percentile in weight to the 50th, which did not alarm the pediatrician. I had a sneaking suspicion that is was due to my milk supply. Mabry also once slept from 8pm to 4am and is now waking practically every 2-3 hours to eat. I have tried all that I know to do, pump, drink Mother's Milk tea and take Fenugreek. All which seemed to help for a while, but now we are back to nothing. It really is so hard to say goodbye, especially when it is not my choice. I chose to stop nursing Bryson at 10 months...I feel cheated, sad, frustrated, and to blame. (It is the hormones talking!) On the other hand, I feel a sense of freedom. But I am battling with myself. Freedom/Frustrated/Freedom/Frustrated etc...

So today I mourn, but my joy will come in the morning/mourning for no one has taken my sweet girl from me. She is still my gift from the Lord and there will be no less love in this house even with the lack of mommy's milk.