Wednesday, August 26, 2009

It is so hard to say goodbye


My sweet little girl is 4 months now and I have loved every moment with her. She is sheer delight. I am totally enamored with her. Never in a million years did I think I could love another baby like I love Mabry. She is simply sugary sweet, all smiles and giggles. Oh, how I love her giggle.

But today, I am saying a sad goodbye to one of my favorite parts of being a mommy of a newborn. Tears are coming as I type...I am saying goodbye to nursing and wondering if I will ever have the chance to do it again with future children. Adam and I are pretty well set on just two babies. Oh, how my heart wants more, but my brain says no.

At Mabry's 4 mo check up she had slipped from the 90th percentile in weight to the 50th, which did not alarm the pediatrician. I had a sneaking suspicion that is was due to my milk supply. Mabry also once slept from 8pm to 4am and is now waking practically every 2-3 hours to eat. I have tried all that I know to do, pump, drink Mother's Milk tea and take Fenugreek. All which seemed to help for a while, but now we are back to nothing. It really is so hard to say goodbye, especially when it is not my choice. I chose to stop nursing Bryson at 10 months...I feel cheated, sad, frustrated, and to blame. (It is the hormones talking!) On the other hand, I feel a sense of freedom. But I am battling with myself. Freedom/Frustrated/Freedom/Frustrated etc...

So today I mourn, but my joy will come in the morning/mourning for no one has taken my sweet girl from me. She is still my gift from the Lord and there will be no less love in this house even with the lack of mommy's milk.

5 comments:

natalie said...

Welcome to my world sista. The first child gets all your energy, and you can also rest whenever they rest. But when the 2nd comes it's another story. Don't feel bad! My nursing times got shorter and shorter with each kid. Keeping up with 2 kids is alot of work...and I don't care what they say..that will affect your milk supply. Been there..done that. Felt guilty, felt a sense of freedom..and felt guilty for that too. And as you know..those hormones while weaning are tricky..so keep your chin up and cry if you need to..it's okay ;)FYI--if you have a 3rd, it's the same story!Except you're even more tired :)

Lisa M. said...

Sounds alot like my story/feelings too! Thank you for sharing!

Natalie said...

Sounds like everyone has a nursing story...about what happened and when...just know that you have given her your very best and GOD your very best at nursing, for this sweet little girl...you don't need to feel guilt, as natural as it is, it will just take away from the joy of having a little girl that is healthy and growing up!
I can also relate to the two child thing, Andrew says NO and everyone around me seems to have 4 children, I desperately want more but as of now it is just not God's timing....My mourning not having more has taken away from my thankfulness that I should have for the two healthy children that I already have! MAke sense.... thanks for posting...

YOU ARE LOVED!!! Mabry is SOOO CUTE!!

Milk Maker said...

That made me sad! :0( You are such an amazing Mama! I know it's hard to not feel guilty...but you have done everything you can and Mabry is happy and healthy!!

Rotten said...

I just went through that so I totally get where you were. It is such a sad bond to get rid of, but of course, in the end it is more about their well being then ours right?
She is absolutely adorable and it sounds like things are going great now. :)